Here it is, the first part of a new story I’m working on (in case you were wondering, no I did not forget about Looking For Hope, I just got bored of writing it. I might revisit it, one day…). Hitogokoro is a new drama about two characters, Ryouki Tachibana and Kotae Mawatari, two people who never quite fit in with the rest of the world, who will overcome loss, find love, beat their limitations, and know what it’s like to truly live a happy life.
Humans have a natural tendency to want to be with other humans. Those that do not are mentally flawed. That’s how we work. Something deep within our DNA pushes us towards other humans that we can identify with. Friendship. Love. Just being with another human that we can get along with is like a natural boost to the human psyche. I myself can’t explain why the brain operates that way, I just know the general gist of things. But, if humans so desire to be with others, then why can’t some of us make that happen? I am of course speaking about myself. I’m lonely. Depressed. I work a shitty 15 hour a day job at the local convenience store and I dropped out of college. I’ve never been able to make friends very well. I don’t know why. If you ask anyone, they’ll say I’m completely normal, save for a few odd personality quirks. The problem is on my end of the bargain. I’m not able to initiate conversation well at all. It’s always been that way. Maybe it was something that happened to me when I was younger, I have no idea. But, it makes me sad. I’m alone. I have no one else to talk to on a personal level.
Sigh.
I’m pathetic, aren’t I?
Yeah, that’s right. I’m pathetic. Worthless. The only thing I’m good for is cashier at the conbini.
“You’re not pathetic.”
I looked up from the floor. I looked up, over the cash register. I looked at the person who had said this. It was a girl.
“Come again?” I asked.
“You’re not pathetic, I said.” She said.
“Oh,” that was the only thing I could bring myself to say. No one had ever said anything like that to me before, especially not a girl. If I could describe the feeling, it would be…bliss. It was a warm, overwhelming feeling that spread throughout my body, rejuvenating my inner being.
“You were mumbling to the floor, and I happened to hear. Sorry for eavesdropping.” She continued speaking.
How embarrassing. I was mumbling to myself and I didn’t even know it. Something is really wrong with me.
“Well…uh, thanks, I guess.” I said to her.
She smiled at me and said, “No, It was nothing, really.”
The person placed their items on the counter, “I’d like to buy this,” she said. Chips, bottled water, just your regular everyday conbini items. The total would be something like
“That’ll be 287 yen,” I told her.
“Here you go,” she said, handing me the money. But, she didn’t immediately leave after having paid. She stood there, fiddling their thumbs together, looking at me out of the corner of her eyes.
“Ah…” We both said at the same time. “Heh, um…” Nervous. I was getting nervous just like everytime before when I wanted to strike up a conversation. I can’t do it, I can’t do it! Dammit! Why can’t I do it!?
“Hey, what’s your name?” She asked me. I was saved. Saved by this girl who spoke first. It was as if God was looking at me, taking pity on me. Don’t pity me, dammit! I don’t need to be helped out!
…
But, in truth, I did. I would have never said anything to her. All because I’m a fucking loser.
“My n-name?” I repeated her question in question form. Loser.
“Yeah, what’s your name?” She asked.
“T-Tachibana…Ryo…Ryouki.” I stumbled over even my own name. Pathetic.
“That’s a cool name…” She commented.
“Ah, thanks…” I said silently. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask her what her name was. Why!? Why is this MY problem?! Come on, for fucks sake! This should not have happened to me!
“Mawatari!” She suddenly.
“…” I was speechless. She had willingly given me her name when I could not even muster up the balls to ask myself. God, please stop helping me. I don’t know if your insulting me or trying to be genuinely helpful, but please…just please leave me alone to my own doing.
“Mawatari Kotae…is mine. My name, I mean.” Mawatari said to me. Kotae…that means ‘answer’, doesn’t it? As in ‘reply’ answer. Is this a coincidence? Or is it fate. What’s going on. I’m panicking again. Oh shit, I’m shaking now.
“Hey! Are you okay?!” Mawatari-san worried. She asked about me. She was worried about me. Well, I guess it’s only natural in this situation. I was shaking badly. Very, very badly. And then, I fell. Everything went black after that. I could hear Mawatari-san shouting in the back of my mind, but I could not make out what she said. Is this the end, for me? Am I dying? Probably, knowing my luck. Not like my life was worth living in the first place.
Ah well.
