Part 2: Human Heart
Humans have a natural tendency to want to be with other humans. Those that do not are mentally flawed. That’s how we work. Something deep within our DNA pushes us towards other humans that we can identify with. Friendship. Love. Just being with another human that we can get along with is like a natural boost to the human psyche. I myself can’t explain why the brain operates that way, I just know the general gist of things. But, if humans so desire to be with others, then why can’t some of us make that happen? I am of course speaking about myself. I’m lonely. Depressed. I work a shitty 15 hour a day job at the local convenience store and I dropped out of college. I’ve never been able to make friends very well. I don’t know why. If you ask anyone, they’ll say I’m completely normal, save for a few odd personality quirks. The problem is on my end of the bargain. I’m not able to initiate conversation well at all. It’s always been that way. Maybe it was something that happened to me when I was younger, I have no idea. But, it makes me sad. I’m alone. I have no one else to talk to on a personal level.
Sigh.
I’m pathetic, aren’t I?
Yeah, that’s right. I’m pathetic. Worthless. The only thing I’m good for is cashier at the conbini.
“You’re not pathetic.”
I looked up from the floor. I looked up, over the cash register. I looked at the person who had said this. It was a girl.
“Come again?” I asked.
“You’re not pathetic, I said.” She said.
“Oh,” that was the only thing I could bring myself to say. No one had ever said anything like that to me before, especially not a girl. If I could describe the feeling, it would be…bliss. It was a warm, overwhelming feeling that spread throughout my body, rejuvenating my inner being.
“You were mumbling to the floor, and I happened to hear. Sorry for eavesdropping.” She continued speaking.
How embarrassing. I was mumbling to myself and I didn’t even know it. Something is really wrong with me.
“Well…uh, thanks, I guess.” I said to her.
She smiled at me and said, “No, It was nothing, really.”
The person placed their items on the counter, “I’d like to buy this,” she said. Chips, bottled water, just your regular everyday conbini items. The total would be something like
“That’ll be 287 yen,” I told her.
“Here you go,” she said, handing me the money. But, she didn’t immediately leave after having paid. She stood there, fiddling their thumbs together, looking at me out of the corner of her eyes.
“Ah…” We both said at the same time. “Heh, um…” Nervous. I was getting nervous just like everytime before when I wanted to strike up a conversation. I can’t do it, I can’t do it! Dammit! Why can’t I do it!?
“Hey, what’s your name?” She asked me. I was saved. Saved by this girl who spoke first. It was as if God was looking at me, taking pity on me. Don’t pity me, dammit! I don’t need to be helped out!
…
But, in truth, I did. I would have never said anything to her. All because I’m a fucking loser.
“My n-name?” I repeated her question in question form. Loser.
“Yeah, what’s your name?” She asked.
“T-Tachibana…Ryo…Ryouki.” I stumbled over even my own name. Pathetic.
“That’s a cool name…” She commented.
“Ah, thanks…” I said silently. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask her what her name was. Why!? Why is this MY problem?! Come on, for fucks sake! This should not have happened to me!
“Mawatari!” She suddenly.
“…” I was speechless. She had willingly given me her name when I could not even muster up the balls to ask myself. God, please stop helping me. I don’t know if your insulting me or trying to be genuinely helpful, but please…just please leave me alone to my own doing.
“Mawatari Kotae…is mine. My name, I mean.” Mawatari said to me. Kotae…that means ‘answer’, doesn’t it? As in ‘reply’ answer. Is this a coincidence? Or is it fate. What’s going on. I’m panicking again. Oh shit, I’m shaking now.
“Hey! Are you okay?!” Mawatari-san worried. She asked about me. She was worried about me. Well, I guess it’s only natural in this situation. I was shaking badly. Very, very badly. And then, I fell. Everything went black after that. I could hear Mawatari-san shouting in the back of my mind, but I could not make out what she said. Is this the end, for me? Am I dying? Probably, knowing my luck. Not like my life was worth living in the first place.
Ah well.
I awoke with a jolt to a white room. Everything was white. Even the curtains on the window were white. “Why…white?” I asked the room.
“Huh? Are you awake?” Someone asked me. I looked over to where the voice came from.
“Mawa-Mawatari…san.” I was surprised. No, startled. No, confused. I was all of these things and more. “Why are you here?” I asked her.
“You fell down and fainted behind the counter at the conbini, so I called for an ambulance. The doctor said you had a panic attack…I hope you don’t mind that I came here with you…” Mawatari-san lowered her gaze to the floor. She must have been sitting beside my bed the whole time. She was pretty. Wearing a turtleneck and jeans, she sat in a small white chair, a book in her lap. She had ear-length black hair and blue eyes that seemed to reflect the world in which we lived.
“No. Of course I don’t mind. And thanks. For staying with me, I mean…A-anyway, how long was I out?” I was talking as clear as possible. Not to say I wasn’t still nervous, of course I was. But it was the situation. I couldn’t just remain silent.
“How are you feeling?” She asked me, one hand brushing away some hair that had found itself on her face.
“The back of my head hurts a bit. Did I hit something when I fell?” There was a throbbing pain on the back of my head. I reached back to check it, but all I felt was gauze. They must have wrapped my forehead.
“Yeah, you did. It was the cash register. You made all the money fall out on the floor when you hit it.” She held her hand over her mouth to hide a few small snickers. I won’t get angry at that. Thinking about it does make it seem like it would be kind of funny.
“Oh crap, I need to call my manager and let him know! Can you get me my cell phone?” I asked Mawatari-san.
“Don’t worry about. I contacted him for you while waiting for the ambulance. He was listed on a sheet of paper taped to a wall behind the counter. He said to call him when you got better, but that you shouldn’t rush anything.” She said. Why had she done all this for me? Is it what any person would do?
“Thanks a lot…” I thanked her. Then there was an awkward moment of silence. One of those moments where you want to say something, but are either too afraid to say something wrong, or afraid you might interrupt the other person. But it was me who spoke first.
“Hey Mawatari-san, can I ask you something?”
“Uh-huh, what is it?”
“Why did you do all this for me?” There, I said it.
“Eh-Well, um. Isn’t it what any person would do?” She wondered. Ah, so I was right. It seems that any normal, right-in-the-head person would do this kind of thing. It’s just coincidence that in my case it was a beautiful woman of my age.
“I see…in any case, thank you.” I thanked her once more. How many thank yous would I end up exchanging with her, I wondered to myself.
Then another bout of silence. Long, annoying silence. So quiet you could, to be clichéd, hear a pin drop in the room. Mawatari-san sat in her chair, eyes downcast towards the floor. This made me wonder, what was she thinking? Was she thinking about me? Or was she thinking about someone else. Just what was going on inside her head? Perhaps…perhaps if I didn’t speak up, I would never really know.
“Hey, Mawatari-san…what are you thinking about?” Blunt, I know, but this was something my mother used to ask me whenever I would use to stare of into space. She would see me and worry that something was happening that I didn’t tell her about, so she would ask, “What are you thinking about?” I usually told her “It’s nothing,” but she never allowed me to get away with that, and would say, “No, I’m serious, tell me what’s wrong.” But that was a long time ago. Back before problems really began to haunt me.
“Eh!? Eh!?” Mawatari-san fumbled her words and began twiddling her thumbs again, like she had done back at the conbini. It was cute. I couldn’t help but smile at this, which I’m sure she saw because when she looked at me, her cheeks grew a deep red. She was, without a doubt, really, really cute.
“Haha, it’s alright, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” I said to her. Having felt that I had caused her enough trouble today, I took this moment to apologize. “You know, I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble tonight.” I said while looking out the window. It was a grand November day. The sky was gray, overcast. The colors dulled signaling the coming end of Autumn and the beginning of Winter.
“You don’t have to keep thanking and apologizing to me. I’m happy I could help you.” She said in a proud voice. I wonder if she was looking at the floor again. Or maybe she was looking at me this time? I wouldn’t know, as I was looking out at the world below, moving on without me.
“Would you like to know something about me?” I asked her.
“Eh? Ah, okay.”
“Winter, also the end of Autumn, are my favorite times of the year. For a few reasons. W-would you like to know why?” I asked cautiously, not wanting to bore her or otherwise embarrass myself any further than I already had.
“S-sure, if it’s alright with you, I mean.”
“Alright,” I began, looking at Mawatari-san, who had once again casted her gaze away from me, “Have you ever noticed how when it’s winter, the colors of the world seem to dull? Yeah, if you pay attention to it, once the leaves began to fall, the colors of the world begin to become duller, less bright than they were in the summer and spring. For some reason, I’ve always admired that. The world just seems to become calmer, you know? It’s like winter just slows everyone down. No, it slows the whole world down. And it’s truly beautiful…” I paused for a while, turning my gaze back to the window. “The other reason is…,” but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. It was too sad for me, and I didn’t want to burden either of us with the details. Maybe some other time, I thought. If there would be another time. “The other reason…it’s…”
“It’s alright, you don’t have to tell me.” She said. I could already feel my heart beginning to grow heavy with the feeling of sadness. My eyes had, before I knew it, grown wetter than normal.
We were waiting here, in the hospital room, for the doctor to come in and check on me.
“It’s been a while, I wonder what’s taking him?” Mawatari-san asked. “Should I go ask for him?” She asked a question directed at me.
“If you want to…” I answered. Truthfully, however, I wanted to spend as much time alone with Mawatari-san as possible. I wanted to get to know her better.
Taking that as a go ahead, Mawatari-san stepped up from her chair and headed to the door, sticking her head out. A passing nurse noticed her and asked her if she needed anything.
“Um, yes. Ryouk-er, Tachibana-san has awakened. Could you let the doctor know for us?” Mawatari-san asked. The nurse obliged and went looking for the doctor as Mawatari-san came back and sat down in her seat.
“Thanks.” I said. Another thank you. How many had I given to her in such a short amount of time?
More silence. Silence. Silence. Silence.
“Um, is it alright if I ask what you’re doing this weekend?” Mawatari-san asked me out of the blue.
“T-this weekend?” Just to make sure I wasn’t hearing things.
“Yeah…”
“I’m not doing anything…in particular. Why?” Why was I asking why, I knew why. Stupid me. After all, it should be myself asking, after all the trouble I’ve caused her.
“That’s a relief,” she said, “If you want to…would you like to go get lunch with me?” I can’t believe this, she was asking me out to lunch. I can’t let this happen, it should be me doing it.
“No,” I began, but she took this as if it was the only thing I was going to say and had a dejected look on her face. “Wait! Wait, I wasn’t finished!” I clamored, trying to salvage the conversation before it was too late. “I was going to say, ‘No, let me be the one to ask you. After all, I’ve caused you so much trouble for one day.’”
She grew a smile on her face, “Okay!” She said, smiling. “Odd.” I thought to myself. That should have been harder than it was. But perhaps it was because she was going to ask that I was able to do it. Or maybe it was the feeling of guilt that allowed me to do it. Maybe it was the feeling of guilt for having caused her so much trouble that allowed me to ask her out for lunch. Wait a minute…ask her out for lunch?!
“I-is this a…d-date?” I thought out loud. Quickly after, I cursed myself for being such an idiot. You don’t say these things out loud!
“I was hoping that it could be. If it’s alright with you, that is.” Mawatari-san spoke up. Oh man, a date. And with a girl I’d only just met!? Is life trying to play a prank on me? Is God going to, once everything goes smoothly, which I hope it does, take back everything I’ve gotten just now? Now I’m worried. What do I do? Do I just go with it? “Of course you do, you big idiot.” I thought to myself, yelling at myself inside my head.
“Haha, I’m sort of relieved that you said that,” She continued, “I was afraid that you might not think of it that way.” She was blushing. A deep, bright red that covered both sides of her face. It was cute, it really was.
“Th..that’s what I was worried about, too.” I said. It was true. I was worried. But, once again, I was saved. Again! Argh, this day just keeps getting stranger!
“Where do you want to meet?” Mawatari-san broke the next important question. Where, indeed. There are many places to eat. Should I take her to a classy, expensive restaurant. Or perhaps she would more enjoy a nice family restaurant. Oh man, what do I do? And then, without really thinking about it I said something.
“What kind of places do you like to eat at? You know, in general.” I said this without thinking about it. That was probably a mistake.
“I like places where it’s quiet. I don’t like being in loud places.” She said.
Okay, so it wasn’t a mistake, but don’t just say things without me, body!
“Quiet. Hmm, does a café sound good to you, then?” I asked her.
She nodded her head, smiling.
“Okay then, how about we meet at Gekkou. It’s in the shopping district, do you know it?” I hope it’s not too loud for her, I don’t know any other places!
“That sounds great. Is 19:00 this Saturday okay with you?” Ah right, how could I forget about the time. I’m supposed to be working that day…but the boss did say not to rush coming back in. Today is also Thursday, isn’t it? He probably won’t expect me back until Sunday or Monday.
“Yeah, that’ll work great.” I replied.
Mawatari-san smiled and closed the book that she had sitting on her lap.
“I really should be going, it’s getting late after all.” She said, standing up from her seat. “No, don’t go.” I wanted to say. That would be selfish of me, not to mention it would sound weird. However, looking at my watch, it was already 18:00, indeed, it was getting late.
“Alright. Well, thank you again so much for helping me out today. I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble. I guess I’ll see you on Saturday.” I said to her.
She bowed and was turned to leave. But right before she exited the room, I yelled out.
“Wait!” I yelled out to her.
“What is it?” She jumped, I must’ve startled her.
“Cellphone.” I said. One word.
“Oh, that’s a good idea.” she said. After all, what if one of us needed to cancel?
We exchanged addresses and she again bowed, and left after closing the door.
“I have a date on Saturday.” And for the first time in a while, a very large smile appeared on my face.
The doctor came in shortly after Mawatari-san had left.
“Everything seems to be okay, are you ready to leave?” He asked. I nodded, he signed a few papers and then I was released.
Outside the hospital, I could tell that Autumn was getting closer and closer to the end. It was getting colder. And here I was without a jacket.
“I’m cold,” I mumbled, setting out for my apartment.
…
My apartment wasn’t too bad. One room with a restroom and kitchen, it served itspurpose and was everything I needed it to be. Shelter, a place to rest and eat, a home. My neighbors were of no bother to me, ever, so that was a plus. Though I think it is interesting to note that I sometimes see a telescope out on one of my neighbor’s back porches. Yet, I never see them use it. I wonder why? Still on the subject of space, I’ve always been fascinated by it. The mystery, how much of it is unknown, the science… everything about it has always interested me. One day, I hope to be able to visit it, even if only for five minutes, I hope to be able to visit it. But I’ve digressed for long enough, I was hungry. Rifling through my foodstuffs I recovered some ramen. Cheap, and good on occasion, I had had ramen for the past week, and I was getting tired of it.
“I need to get another job,” I told myself. I had been meaning to get a second job for a while, but the first job was time consuming enough and I just hadn’t had the time to apply or interview.
“I have a date on Saturday…” I said out loud all of a sudden. It just came to me out of nowhere. Well, no, it didn’t exactly come to me. I had been thinking about it the whole time. Mawatari-san, what do you see in me that you can’t find in any other normal guy?
It was when I stretched my arms that I got a whiff of myself. It was the smell of sweat that hadn’t been cleaned. Just how much did I perspire when I had that panic attack? It was time to take a shower.
…
Showers. A western thing. Normally, I’d take a bath, but for some reason my apartment building decided to build western style. I didn’t mind. It was one of the reasons I decided on this apartment anyway, even if it was also one of the reasons this apartment was just a bit more expensive than I’d have liked. Sure, I was a hypocrite when it came to buying this apartment, but it was worth it. Japanese baths are nice, but these showers, they’re ama-
And I slipped.
And I slipped and went flying. To me, everything seemed to be going in slow motion as I found myself falling towards the mirror on the wall across from the shower. And as I hit it, still in slow motion, it shattered. And as it shattered, still in slow motion, I saw my reflection in a particularly large shard of glass. And in that shard of glass, still in slow motion, I saw myself: Medium length black hair, no facial hair, tired brown eyes. Nothing really out of the ordinary so much that a girl like Mawatari-san should find me interesting. And I continued falling in slow motion but at normal speed, I lamented the western invention of the shower. “Fuck you, showers,” I thought. I was still falling. Glass all around me. I was sure I’d die or at least get hurt bad upon hitting the floor, if I wasn’t already bleeding from the initial impact of the mirror.
Thump.
I hit the ground with a thump. And a crunch. And a sharp pain in my neck. It was a pain unlike any other I’d ever felt in my life. I brought my hand to where I felt the pain… glass. There was a large shard of glass in my neck. However, it must not have been embedded too far in the skin as I pulled it out quite easily. There wasn’t much bleeding, I was lucky. I could have died. I really, truly could have died.
…
Cleaning myself, and the glass, up, I flung myself onto my bed.
“What a day.”
That night, for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I had no dreams. I know they say that you don’t remember most of your dreams, but trust me when I say that this is the first time in a very, very, very long time. There is more than one reason for why this could happen; stress, more tired than usual, the list can go on. It just struck me as odd that me, the guy who can remember so much when he wakes up, all of the sudden cannot remember a single dream. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Yeah, I’m probably overthinking this. I’m fine. It’s just that yesterday was exhausting. Why am I so worried about dreams? Not like they mean anything most of the time. And even when I am dreaming it’s always the same dream, anyway. Falling. I’m always falling. I don’t know how long I’ve been falling or where I’m falling from, I’m just falling. Falling. Falling. Falling to a place I can never reach in my dreams. Will I survive? No idea. Will I die? No idea. I have no idea. I have no idea what will happen to me once I hit the bottom of wherever I’m falling to… if it even has a bottom at all. What does that dream represent? No idea. Speaking of ‘No idea,’ the world seems to be full of that. Was I meant to work at a conbini? No idea. Were Mawatari-san and I meant to meet? No idea. The world is full of not knowing things. Full of ‘no idea.’
Interrupting my ridiculous non-important thought process, my cell phone rang.
Picking it up without checking the number, “Ryouki Tachibana speaking,” I answered. Nothing. Silence. Emptiness. There wasn’t even breathing. “Hello? Is someone on the line?” But still there was no sound. “Alright, I’m hanging up now,” I said. And still, there was nothing from the other end. Is this some sort of practical joke? No… It couldn’t be, no one who would want to do something like this to me has my phone number.
As I took the phone away from my ear, about to hang it up, I heard something.
“Above you.”
And then the line cut. ‘Above me?’ I looked up, the phone now once again pressed to my ear. But even if I looked really hard, there would be nothing there but the ceiling. It was definitely someone prank calling someone, even if it weren’t meant for me. I brought the phone away from my ear and, after hanging up, set it down on the counter.
Checking the clock I discovered that it was not the time I had previously thought it to be, 0700, but ‘twas actually 1100, much later, to my dismay. One of my pet peeves is over-sleeping. In the first place, I should have been woken up by my cell phone’s alarm. But for some reason it did not go off this morning at 0650. However, the cell phone being basically a computer, it’s bound to have glitches every so often. So I chose to ignore it, no big deal.
I fixed myself some breakfast. A late breakfast, but a breakfast nonetheless. Sitting on the couch, I turned on the TV to see what was going on in the news.
“…yesterday, 4 students and a teacher disappeared from a high school in Hokkaido. All 5 people were from the same class…” the news reporter read from her notes. 5 people. For all of them to go missing at the same time, that is quite strange. The news reporter continued on, “…the police have released the names of the students and the teacher,” pictures of the students and teacher, as well as their names, were shown on the screen, “if you have any information as to the whereabouts of any of these people, please call the number shown…” The names were as follows:
Junichi Sukenobu
Misaka Nakahara
Tomari Yamanaka
Yuki Hano
Mizuki Kirisaka
“I wonder where they went,” I thought to myself. Hopefully they’d be found soon, alive. It’d be bad if they were all found murdered and stuffed in trash bags or something macabre like that.
Not wanting to hear any more unsettling news, I flipped to another channel. A documentary. On the cosmos. I may have mentioned this already, but I’m absolutely in love with space. Especially things like deep space. Ever since I first saw an image of the Horsehead Nebula, I was hooked. The mysterious beauty of it all… it got to me. It became implanted in my memory forever. And, since then, I’ve always found the stars to be so beautiful. Magical, even. One day, I hope to be able to go into space and figuratively touch the stars.
I doubt that will ever happen.
I’ve never even been on a plane, let alone a space-craft. I’m 21 years old and I’ve never even been on a plane. I’ve never left Japan to study abroad. Never left to go on vacation, my grades were never good enough and my parents couldn’t afford it, respectively. I’m probably destined to stay in Japan, working in a convenience store for the rest of my pathetic life.
“You’re not pathetic.”
Mawatari-san’s words rang in my head. She’s right. I’m not pathetic. Just hopeless. It’s one step up from pathetic, but still horrible.
Knock knock. There was a knock at my door. Naturally I went over to check the peep hole to see who it was. But, as soon as I looked through, I became confused. There was no one there. Knock knock. There was a knocking sound on the door again, but there was still nobody there. I opened the door, maybe the person was a child and I couldn’t see them.
Which would be stupid. I should be able to see everyone through this peephole, I thought as I opened the door. And, just as it was before, there was no one there. “Impossible,” I said out loud. Knock knock. There it was again, even louder this time. KNOCK KNOCK. Even louder! KNOCK! KNOCK!
And I woke up to someone knocking on my door.
“Coming!” I quickly scrambled out of bed. I had fallen asleep wearing my clothes so there was no need for me to get appropriately dressed. I looked through the peep hole and saw that it was a pizza man. At this time of day? And I didn’t even order anything! I opened the door.
“Ah, hello. I think you have the wrong apartment.” I said.
He looked down at a note and back up at the apartment number beside my door, “Nope,” he said, “Apartment 54, just like it says here on the note.”
“Eh? But I didn’t order a pizza, especially not at…” I checked my watch, “10:00 in the morning.” We sat there and stared at each other for a few seconds before I said this. “Can I see that paper?” I said.
The pizza man handed me the slip of paper, on it was written Apartment 45, not 54. “This says Apartment 45. Not 54.” I told him.
“Oh… really? Sorry about that. I’m a bit dyslexic.” He revealed the root behind the whole problem. “No, don’t worry about it,” I said, “Have a good day.” ‘Who orders a pizza at 10:00 in the morning anyway?’ I thought to myself. Maybe my crazy German friend might, but that’s beside the point. It was late and I needed to get ready for the day… not that I was doing anything important. I stepped back inside my apartment, closing my door, and turned around to head towards the bathroom for a quick shower.
Burning. Everything was burning.
My apartment was on fire. And there was a man climbing out the balcony window.
“No! No!” I yelled. I ran for the fire extinguisher, but then realized that I should probably call the fire department first. Running to my bed to grab my phone, I avoided the various items that were on fire. I dialed.
“What is your emergency?” The person on the other end asked.
“My apartment is on fire!” I yelled into the phone.
“What is your apartment number sir?” The person asked.
“It’s Apartment 5-“ But I stopped there and looked around my apartment. Nothing was burning. Everything was as it should be. “Never mind,” I said, embarrassed, and hung up. “What’s going on with me today… could it be from falling and hitting my head at work?” I felt the back of my head, there was still a pretty sizable bump there. “Ouch!” I quickly jerked my hand away, it’s better not to touch it.
After taking a shower, I made myself lunch. I had woken up late, so I missed breakfast. I wasn’t one for missing meals, so I made lunch larger than usual.
